Taking Care of Business
Taking Care of Unfinished Business
First the Apology
I am told repeatedly that I tell stories by beginning in the middle instead of at the beginning. This apparently is an annoying way of going about things.
So I must apologize up front. This column is going to not only begin in the middle; it will end in the middle. I am determined to share with you two remarks that were made during one of a recent speaking engagement. The remarks are significant. So much so, they haunted me for days. And since there is not enough space to type out my talk in its entirety, you really aren’t going to understand what information prompted these two remarks.
This much I can tell you: the topic of the workshop was communication; How to Speak So He Will Listen. (He is not God; “He” is your ex.) The entire point of the workshop was point one, two, three, and x, y, z of how to best approach conversations with an ex to have a positive outcome.
ROADBLOCK
The first remark came from a beautiful blonde woman whose energy filled the room with spunk. I love that quality. Spunk. Love it. Eat it up with a spoon. She also had a fabulous wit and used it well. I had posed the question to the group what might be their first comment when they walked into a room to meet their ex for a prearranged discussion; the purpose of the meeting could be a mediation session or simply coffee to arrange a detail of life that required arranging.
This darling woman piped up quickly with her radiant smile and quipped: “I ask him if that is a new shirt he is wearing.” I nodded and probed, “Were you suggesting he looked nice?”
“Oh, no, when I point out that he is wearing a new shirt it always gets him to stop spending money, at least for a while.” [Okay here is where you are not going to have all the preceding information, but the necessary missing piece is we were practicing staying on topic, the topic being whatever goal had been set for the discussion at hand]
I told her that getting him to stop spending money wasn’t the goal for this meeting with him. We spent a few minutes discussing that idea and then went on to another step.
Here is my dismay. I didn’t respond fully. I did reinforce the importance of staying on topic, but I felt that this was a missed opportunity to address other reasons why we shouldn’t ask; “Is that a new shirt you are wearing?” But there wasn’t enough time in the day for me to digress during my talk, so ladies, you are stuck with “hearing” my litany of comments since I don’t know how to get in touch with this marvelous lady of spunk.
One of the most important strategies we can employ when talking to an ex, or anyone else in our lives that is conditioned to our wit, patterns of behavior, choice of words or phrases, is to change our patterns. Our biggest challenge and the one that will give us the strongest advantage in having the other person HEAR us is to alter our behavior and language.
What happens when her ex hears those words “Is that a new shirt you are wearing?” It is his signal to tune out. The old “been there, heard that” is a flashing red light sirens and all that slams shut the access to his brain. Okay, so maybe he does stop spending money on himself for awhile (or perhaps he learns to hide his spending better so he won’t have to hear those remarks). Either way, it is a small victory when what is lost is his willingness to listen. How much more ground would have been gained if she hadn’t commented on his new shirt? He was expecting it, we know that. He has heard it over and over again.
At this point he simply plays the game. “Okay, caught me, I will cool it for a while, during which time his confidence is reinforced in the knowledge that she is the same, she will always be the same, and nothing new is coming out of her mouth”. Major listening turn-off. Plus he actually feels good that she made the quip. He is and has been right all along about her being her. I am not knocking this woman. I am confident she has ample reason to chide him about money. I am saying that this method of communication shuts down paths to positive outcomes.
Breaking old speech patterns of phrases, comments, tone, and body language go far beyond the simple concept of stopping the nagging. This isn’t about nagging. This is about creative use of language and behavior to reach a level of communication that WORKS for our benefit.
Surprise the guy once in a while and leave the quips at home. Or the tears, or the rage, or the humiliation, or the superiority. All of them are justified, none of them help move you forward to where you want to be. You will not only achieve better communication, you will also feel lighter and freer than you have in a very long time.
TERMS OF ENDEARMENT
The second comment that I did not fully address was made by a sweet and delightful woman who raised her hand and told the group that she had been taught by her lawyer to stop repeating herself to her ex. I asked her what kind of things she had been repeating to him.
She explained that she would email him and tell him how much she missed him. Her lawyer told her not to give him the satisfaction of knowing that she missed him. The lawyer had fine reasoning, but let’s go further with what is inherently harmful to us if we continue this kind of pattern of language with an ex. Truthfully, I don’t care about the ex enough to worry about giving or not giving him satisfaction. He is not my client. I care about this genuinely open, sincere, loving woman who is hurting from unrequited love.
I explained to this generous woman sitting in front of me that I did not want her to write or think the words “I miss you” because those words were an act of love. If we use language to promote love in our heart or our brain (and saying those words does both) we are not going to stop loving (romantic love) the ex. We are keeping the love alive. We do not have the luxury to do that if we want to move past the hurt. To move forward we must stop loving the ex. It is a fact. Unrequited love is a killer of letting go. It squashes out progress like the foot of a hippopotamus languidly flattening an ant. No chance, no how, is that ant going to crawl out from underneath the girth and weight of a leg so heavy that even if the hippo is willing he can barely lift his leg high enough for an ant to pass under it. The ant’s a goner.
Acts of love towards an ex are no different from the act of that hippo’s foot coming down on that poor teensy wincey ant. We are the ant, acts of love are the hippo’s foot, and we are demolished by the acts of love coming down upon us. And the ex? He is no where around. He is in absolutely no danger of feeling the impact of our act of love.
How about this: This egg is your heart. This egg sizzling in a fiery hot pan is your heart on acts of unrequited love. Are we clear?
And just for the record, words of anger, hate, jealousy, or sympathy, are all acts of love, too. Any emotion directed at a person who has left the building is action that keeps the emotions alive within us. If we want to stop the pain, stop the acts of love that feed it.
I feel better now. I feel I have given a full response to two significant blockers to letting go. We can all breathe a sigh of relief now. Whew.
And my prayers, good wishes, and especially long heart-felt hugs go out to each woman at this latest workshop, especially the gracious and brave women I mentioned in this column. God bless and keep each and everyone of you. And I am here for you, today, tomorrow and always. These are acts of love you can embrace and count on.
All Rights Reserved March 23, 2008 ©
COMMRADES IN ARMS; THE THREE P’S
Ladies are you seeking a dynamic, confident new life filled with people whose company you enjoy? But instead of finding it, you waste time and energy dragging the past into the present—a task similar to running a three-legged race with a concrete block tied to your ankle. You will be lucky to see the finish line, much less cross it. You need help keeping the past in its place. Meet my friends and make them yours: Proactive, Perspective, Perseverance.
Let me make the formal introductions:
• PROACTIVE—letting go requires making a choice and acting upon it. Letting go doesn’t just happen over time. You need to take action, before you feel completely ready, or you may never get there. Frisky and fun, Proactive will open new doors for you.
• PERSPECTIVE—the passing of time alone will not free you of the past. The passing of time plus a shift in attitude will. Together time and attitude create a new perspective. You are going to really like this gal. She is most likely to be named Miss Congeniality.
• PERSEVERANCE—the ability to stay committed to our goal. We each must decide what to rely upon for perseverance. Some will utilize sheer self-reliance, others will use faith, prayer, karma, yoga, law of attraction, cosmic energy, meditation, whatever name you attach to it, find something you can hold on to. Something to believe in and call upon for the strength to stay committed to letting go. She is your strength and most loyal companion. You will lean on her.
LOOSEN THE GRIP
When grief begins to wane and the reasoning side of our brain starts to stir, we should be able to move forward, but our emotions cling to the past. Reason challenges Emotion who’s a little wrung out from all of the hurt, anger, sadness, and jealousy she’s been entertaining. Reason urges her to get on with it, rid herself of those pesky hanger-ons. Reason and Emotion are like two children fighting over which amusement park ride will be the last ride of the day. It goes something like this: Reason campaigns for a new ride. Emotion bellows, “NO, I want to ride the Zamboie again. I might not like The Twister. Reason counters, “The Zamboie makes you heave, the Twister will be a refreshing change.” But Emotion does not go down easily; she continues to argue for her needs, sapping our energy with her constant demands for attention.
This is the stage most of the women are in who call upon me for guidance. Major grief has passed, but remnants of anger/loneliness/sadness/jealous linger. Women want to let go and move forward, but they don’t feel up to it. They ask me what they should do. It is simple. I tell them to take control over their two kids, Emotion and Reason. Instruct them which ride will be the last one, instead of trying to wrench them apart, bribe, or threaten, because these tactics eat up every bit of available energy. The alternative? Throw your hands up in the air, say I can’t do this anymore, and plop down on the hot cement sticky from funnel cakes and cotton candy. Bury your head in your lap and let inertia rule. Choose.
In other words, ladies, it is sink or swim, take your pick.” Sound caustic? Not at all. This cliché is only biting out of context. In context it is quite reassuring. So let’s give it some:
STORY TIME
You are at a party on a lovely summer evening. The party is poolside, and everyone is chatting happily, you are wearing a stunning silk cocktail dress that cost you three months worth of daily Cappuccinos’. But here you are, standing in your finery—bravo—
perhaps you have lifted a stuffed artichoke heart off a delightful tray of appetizers floating by you on a silver tray carried by a waiter in coat tails. Enjoying the party? Good.
Out of the corner of your eye you see an acquaintance come running up to you. She is excitedly flapping her hands at you shouting recriminations that you hadn’t called her in ages, and where the devil have you been hiding yourself, anyway? She comes at you like the lap dog from hell, and you step back to avoid the slobber. Oops, one step too far, you back flop into the pool, creating a spectacular splash into the deep end. The last sounds you hear are the shocked gasps and outburst of laughter before the wet silence engulfs you. Your rump lands squarely on the bottom of the deep end. Your party dress swirls around your head. Your hair and mascara, well, we won’t explore the horror. There you sit; stunned, humiliated, and definitely not eager to face the staring crowd, if and when you decide to haul yourself out of the pool, exposing your body clinging water-drenched silk, mop hair, and raccoon eyes. Okay, now “sink or swim” is in context.
It is time to exert control, make a choice; be proactive or passive. Sink or swim. Will you wait for the “feeling” of drowning to pass? I suspect not. I am betting that you will kick and push upward with every mite of energy at your command to break through the surface, breathing in gulps of glorious air, and as a bonus, hearing thunderous applause by the party-goers over your self-fueled resurrection from the chlorinated depths. I am betting on you. I am betting you are not going to sit under ten feet of water contemplating your miserable state of affairs.
SWEET RELEASE
You have chosen to be proactive, now you have more choices. Isn’t that great? Isn’t it fantastic that you have this much control over your life? And here, you thought you had none. Hang in there, find perspective; you’ve pulled yourself up from the watery depths— do you dash for your car, head lowered, dripping and sloshing through the petunias? Or do you muster up the grace of Esther Williams emerging with a mischievous grin and a look of theatrical disbelief on your face? The first attitude isolates you; the second embraces the rest of the party. There will be a variety of scenarios to for you to invite Proactive and Perspective along, and don’t forget, you have Perspective. She will help you stay the course, time and time again.
Am I minimizing the emotions of your current situation? Yes. But the end result is still the same. You have to come out and face the world. The best part is that you can do it on your terms. You have total control. You can choose thoughts, actions, and attitudes that are positive and attract joy and wisdom.
You are wise. You have learned much about change: it can come fast without warning or linger in the shadows before popping out to reveal itself. Hey, I have an idea. Why not take this knowledge that life is change, combine it with the control that you have over your being, and mentally prepare yourself for all of life—the difficult transitions and the miracles of joy awaiting you.
Who do you partner with to make this all happen? Proactive, Perspective, Perseverance. Take them with you wherever you go and be happy. BABY, YOU CAN DO IT.
Copyright © 2007 Patty Swyden Sullivan. All rights reserved
The Transitional Person: What are they Good For?
Sally: He just met her. She is suppose to be his transitional person, she’s not suppose to be the one. All this time I‘ve been saying he didn’t want to get married, but the truth is he didn’t want to marry me. Why didn’t he love me?
Harry: If you could take him back right now, would you?
Sally: No, but why didn’t he want to marry me? What is wrong with me? (Sob, sob)
When Harry Met Sally, by Nora Ephron, 1989
Despite Sally’s protest to Harry that she would not take her ex back, she harbored secret desires that a transitional person would convince her ex to come running back to her.
Dry those tears Sally, because by the end of the movie you will marry Harry, your perfect match, the yin to your yang. But what about the rest of us, the men and women who fall for the much-hyped transitional person? Is this person to be feared as lost time, a wasted effort of affection that leaves us drained and bruised? Or does a transitional person serve a purpose? In Sally’s case the hope of opening her ex’s eyes, in cases where we are the one in a transitional relationship, the hope of something comforting to hang onto as we transition from a past relationship to a relationship that will be more enduring than the old one. Are we grabbing on to a security blanket?
Ask a psychologist and most likely you will be instructed on D.W. Winnicott’s theory of the transitional object—a baby’s blankee—the object that an infant uses to navigate the emotional stress of transitioning from dependency on mother to dependency on self. Giving up the blankee can be traumatic, but does not lessen the security it provided for the baby to grow.
Conjure up the image of a beloved blankee: It is a tattered piece of cloth that has been rubbed, chewed, hugged, dragged and literally worn to shreds. What does a transitional person “look” like? They are:
• Critical to our survival
• Provide intense sexual excitement
• Elicit pain upon parting; we either feel the pain or cause the pain to the other person
Why taunt ourselves or another person by being in a transitional relationship? Because by crossing this bridge we leave our past and greet our future.
Think of a transitional relationship as middle school. We tripped over our tongues, zits popped out on our faces, and we felt the heat of a thousand watt bulb as we stumbled to find someone to sit next to in the cafeteria. These awkward years cordoned off from grade school and high school populations served a purpose. We honed snappy retorts, discovered Clearasil™, and learned the societal implications of popularity or not.
Imagine how ill-prepared we would have been if we went from the 5th grade to the 9th grade without acquiring the finesse to negotiate hall monitors and communal showers. Yikes.
When a long relationship ends, it is necessary to break from the past, take time to identify what “works” for our personality in a relationship, and acclimate to socializing as a single. The transitional person is our testing ground. This sounds as reasonable as attending middle school. But just as hormones exaggerate a preteens belief that what happens here stays with-me-for-the-rest-of-my-life; emotions undermine singles into fearing this-is-my-last-chance-relationship.
Transitional Lessons:
• Fine tuning your interests. Discover your authentic interests. Interests that satisfy you without relying on validation from someone else. When a long term relationship ends it is sometimes confusing to know what part of the relationship were parts that fulfilled you as opposed to your former partner. Did you really like foreign movies or over the years did you learn to accommodate? Viewing them with a different person will underscore whether subtitles delight or frustrate you.
• Ridding yourself of relationship “killers.” You are forced to see yourself as someone new sees you. Are you getting an image that has come up before? Do you have a habit or tendency that undermines a healthy relationship? This can be a good thing, if you are honest with yourself instead of turning a blind eye. Let the issue out, identify it, and WORK on it. Self-improvement opens up avenues to better partners than you have had before.
• Catharsis. Most people who enter transitional relationships believe they are “over” their prior relationship or that a new relationship will propel them out of the past. The truth is the grief process of ending a long term relationship has not run its course. The end of a transitional relationship releases the last grip on grief, like a slap in the face, snaps a person out of a state of shock. This is a fierce cleansing of emotions. Let the angst flow and be rid of it.
Do not fear the transitional person or relationship. Pay attention, do your homework, and get on with life after a transitional relationship ends. It beats staying home on prom night…or in the locker room—you gotta get in the game…
“Come on, it’ll be fun!” (Ruth Gordon as Maude, the definitive transitional person, Harold and Maude, Colin Higgins 1971)
© 2007 Patty Swyden Sullivan
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