Sink or Swim

Patty Swyden Sullivan
(Solo-ing Magazine, July/August 2007)

Christmas Present

Commrades in Arms; The Three P'S

Ladies are you seeking a dynamic, confident new life filled with people whose company you enjoy? But instead of finding it, you waste time and energy dragging the past into the present—a task similar to running a three-legged race with a concrete block tied to your ankle. You will be lucky to see the finish line, much less cross it. You need help keeping the past in its place. Meet my friends and make them yours:

roactive, Perspective, Perseverance.
Let me make the formal introductions:

PROACTIVE—letting go requires making a choice and acting upon it. Letting go doesn't just happen over time. You need to take action, before you feel completely ready, or you may never get there. Frisky and fun, Proactive will open new doors for you.
PERSPECTIVE—the passing of time alone will not free you of the past. The passing of time plus a shift in attitude will. Together time and attitude create a new perspective. You are going to really like this gal. She is most likely to be named Miss Congeniality.
PERSEVERANCE—the ability to stay committed to our goal. We each must decide what to rely upon for perseverance. Some will utilize sheer self-reliance, others will use faith, prayer, karma, yoga, law of attraction, cosmic energy, meditation, whatever name you attach to it, find something you can hold on to. Something to believe in and call upon for the strength to stay committed to letting go. She is your strength and most loyal companion. You will lean on her.

LOOSEN THE GRIP

When grief begins to wane and the reasoning side of our brain starts to stir, we should be able to move forward, but our emotions cling to the past. Reason challenges Emotion who's a little wrung out from all of the hurt, anger, sadness, and jealousy she's been entertaining. Reason urges her to get on with it, rid herself of those pesky hanger-ons. Reason and Emotion are like two children fighting over which amusement park ride will be the last ride of the day. It goes something like this: Reason campaigns for a new ride. Emotion bellows, "NO, I want to ride the Zamboie again. I might not like The Twister. Reason counters, "The Zamboie makes you heave, the Twister will be a refreshing change." But Emotion does not go down easily; she continues to argue for her needs, sapping our energy with her constant demands for attention.

This is the stage most of the women are in who call upon me for guidance. Major grief has passed, but remnants of anger/loneliness/sadness/jealous linger. Women want to let go and move forward, but they don't feel up to it. They ask me what they should do. It is simple. I tell them to take control over their two kids, Emotion and Reason. Instruct them which ride will be the last one, instead of trying to wrench them apart, bribe, or threaten, because these tactics eat up every bit of available energy. The alternative? Throw your hands up in the air, say I can't do this anymore, and plop down on the hot cement sticky from funnel cakes and cotton candy. Bury your head in your lap and let inertia rule. Choose.

In other words, ladies, it is sink or swim, take your pick." Sound caustic? Not at all. This cliché is only biting out of context. In context it is quite reassuring. So let's give it some:

STORY TIME

You are at a party on a lovely summer evening. The party is poolside, and everyone is chatting happily, you are wearing a stunning silk cocktail dress that cost you three months worth of daily Cappuccinos'. But here you are, standing in your finery—bravo—
perhaps you have lifted a stuffed artichoke heart off a delightful tray of appetizers floating by you on a silver tray carried by a waiter in coat tails. Enjoying the party? Good.

Out of the corner of your eye you see an acquaintance come running up to you. She is excitedly flapping her hands at you shouting recriminations that you hadn't called her in ages, and where the devil have you been hiding yourself, anyway? She comes at you like the lap dog from hell, and you step back to avoid the slobber. Oops, one step too far, you back flop into the pool, creating a spectacular splash into the deep end. The last sounds you hear are the shocked gasps and outburst of laughter before the wet silence engulfs you. Your rump lands squarely on the bottom of the deep end. Your party dress swirls around your head. Your hair and mascara, well, we won't explore the horror. There you sit; stunned, humiliated, and definitely not eager to face the staring crowd, if and when you decide to haul yourself out of the pool, exposing your body clinging water-drenched silk, mop hair, and raccoon eyes. Okay, now "sink or swim" is in context.

It is time to exert control, make a choice; be proactive or passive. Sink or swim. Will you wait for the "feeling" of drowning to pass? I suspect not. I am betting that you will kick and push upward with every mite of energy at your command to break through the surface, breathing in gulps of glorious air, and as a bonus, hearing thunderous applause by the party-goers over your self-fueled resurrection from the chlorinated depths. I am betting on you. I am betting you are not going to sit under ten feet of water contemplating your miserable state of affairs

SWEET RELEASE

You have chosen to be proactive, now you have more choices. Isn't that great? Isn't it fantastic that you have this much control over your life? And here, you thought you had none. Hang in there, find perspective; you've pulled yourself up from the watery depths— do you dash for your car, head lowered, dripping and sloshing through the petunias? Or do you muster up the grace of Esther Williams emerging with a mischievous grin and a look of theatrical disbelief on your face? The first attitude isolates you; the second embraces the rest of the party. There will be a variety of scenarios to for you to invite Proactive and Perspective along, and don't forget, you have Perspective. She will help you stay the course, time and time again.

Am I minimizing the emotions of your current situation? Yes. But the end result is still the same. You have to come out and face the world. The best part is that you can do it on your terms. You have total control. You can choose thoughts, actions, and attitudes that are positive and attract joy and wisdom.

You are wise. You have learned much about change: it can come fast without warning or linger in the shadows before popping out to reveal itself. Hey, I have an idea. Why not take this knowledge that life is change, combine it with the control that you have over your being, and mentally prepare yourself for all of life—the difficult transitions and the miracles of joy awaiting you.

Who do you partner with to make this all happen? Proactive, Perspective, Perseverance. Take them with you wherever you go and be happy. BABY, YOU CAN DO IT.