Communication Panache
During one of my recent workshops for women recovering from divorce, a participant made a remark that led to an important aspect of communication. The title of the workshop, How to Speak So He Will Listen, ("He" is not God; "He" is your ex) focused on how to have conversations with an ex that lead to positive outcomes.
The initial remark came from a woman whose energy filled the room with spunk. She possessed a fabulous wit and used it well. I had asked the group for suggestions of greetings to their ex's as they entered prearranged meeting. The purpose of the meeting could be a mediation session, a casual coffee to arrange a detail of life that required arranging; parenting plans, financial issues, or an event in the lives of one of their adult children.
This woman of spunk piped up quickly with her radiant smile and quipped: "I ask him if he is wearing a new shirt." I nodded and probed, "Were you suggesting he looked nice?"
"Oh, no, when I point out that he is wearing a new shirt it always gets him to stop spending money, at least for a while." This one comment created two distinct and dangerous ploys that prohibit a successful communication outcome.
The first error is Johnny One-Note. This is when we fall back into worn patterns of behavior. One of the most important strategies we can employ when talking to an ex, or anyone else in our lives who is conditioned to our habitual patterns of behavior and word choice is to change our patterns. Our biggest challenge and the one that will give us the strongest advantage in having the other person HEAR us is to alter our behavior and language when we speak to them.
What do you think happens inside her ex-husband's mind when he hears her words "Is that a new shirt you are wearing?" It is his signal to tune out. He recognizes her pattern of chastising him through sarcasm. The old "been there, heard that" is a flashing red light that signals his brain to stop listening to her.
True, he might temporarily stop spending money on himself. Or he learns to hide his spending better so he won't have to hear those remarks. Either way, it is a small victory when what is lost is his willingness to listen. How much more ground would have been gained if she hadn't commented on his new shirt? He was expecting it, we know that. He has heard it over and over again.
The second error her opening remark commits is the "gotcha" tactic. What does her husband do? He simply plays the game. "Okay, caught me, I will cool it for a while, during which time his confidence is reinforced in the knowledge that she is the same, she will always be the same, and nothing new is coming out of her mouth."
Both errors; repeating past strategies and playing a game of gotcha do not accomplish the goal of successful communication. Plus her ex actually feels good that she made the quip about his new shirt. Her behavior reinforces to him that he is and has always been right about her being her.
I am not critiquing this woman's right to want his frivolous spending to stop. I am confident she has ample reason to chide him about money. I am saying that this method of communication shuts down paths to positive outcomes.
Breaking away from worn speech patterns, comments, tone, and body language goes far beyond what some call nagging. This isn't about nagging. This is about creative use of language and behavior to reach a level of communication that WORKS for our benefit.
Surprise your ex once in a while and leave the quips at home. Or the tears, or the rage, or the humiliation, or the superiority. Whatever your typical style of communicating has been you should eliminate it from your interactions with him. BANISH THESE CUES TO HIM TO CLOSE HIS EARS AND MIND TO YOU.
None of your old habits help move you forward to where you want to be. You will not only achieve better communication, you will also feel lighter and freer than you have in a very long time. Change up your language, get him curious to the new sounds coming from you, and he will tune in.
