The Transitional Person: What are they Good For?

By Patty Swyden Sullivan

Sally: He just met her. She is suppose to be his transitional person, she’s not suppose to be the one. All this time I‘ve been saying he didn’t want to get married, but the truth is he didn’t want to marry me. Why didn’t he love me?

Harry: If you could take him back right now, would you?

Sally: No, but why didn’t he want to marry me? What is wrong with me? (Sob, sob)

When Harry Met Sally, by Nora Ephron, 1989

Despite Sally’s protest to Harry that she would not take her ex back, she harbored secret desires that a transitional person would convince her ex to come running back to her.

Dry those tears Sally, because by the end of the movie you will marry Harry, your perfect match, the yin to your yang. But what about the rest of us, the men and women who fall for the much-hyped transitional person? Is this person to be feared as lost time, a wasted effort of affection that leaves us drained and bruised? Or does a transitional person serve a purpose? In Sally’s case the hope of opening her ex’s eyes, in cases where we are the one in a transitional relationship, the hope of something comforting to hang onto as we transition from a past relationship to a relationship that will be more enduring than the old one. Are we grabbing on to a security blanket?

Ask a psychologist and most likely you will be instructed on D.W. Winnicott’s theory of the transitional object—a baby’s blankee—the object that an infant uses to navigate the emotional stress of transitioning from dependency on mother to dependency on self. Giving up the blankee can be traumatic, but does not lessen the security it provided for the baby to grow.

Conjure up the image of a beloved blankee: It is a tattered piece of cloth that has been rubbed, chewed, hugged, dragged and literally worn to shreds. What does a transitional person “look” like? They are:

• Critical to our survival


• Provide intense sexual excitement


• Elicit pain upon parting; we either feel the pain or cause the pain to the other person

Why taunt ourselves or another person by being in a transitional relationship? Because by crossing this bridge we leave our past and greet our future.

Think of a transitional relationship as middle school. We tripped over our tongues, zits popped out on our faces, and we felt the heat of a thousand watt bulb as we stumbled to find someone to sit next to in the cafeteria. These awkward years cordoned off from grade school and high school populations served a purpose. We honed snappy retorts, discovered Clearasil™, and learned the societal implications of popularity or not.

Imagine how ill-prepared we would have been if we went from the 5th grade to the 9th grade without acquiring the finesse to negotiate hall monitors and communal showers. Yikes.

When a long relationship ends, it is necessary to break from the past, take time to identify what “works” for our personality in a relationship, and acclimate to socializing as a single. The transitional person is our testing ground. This sounds as reasonable as attending middle school. But just as hormones exaggerate a preteens belief that what happens here stays with-me-for-the-rest-of-my-life; emotions undermine singles into fearing this-is-my-last-chance-relationship.

Transitional Lessons:

• Fine tuning your interests. Discover your authentic interests. Interests that satisfy you without relying on validation from someone else. When a long term relationship ends it is sometimes confusing to know what part of the relationship were parts that fulfilled you as opposed to your former partner. Did you really like foreign movies or over the years did you learn to accommodate? Viewing them with a different person will underscore whether subtitles delight or frustrate you.



• Ridding yourself of relationship "killers." You are forced to see yourself as someone new sees you. Are you getting an image that has come up before? Do you have a habit or tendency that undermines a healthy relationship? This can be a good thing, if you are honest with yourself instead of turning a blind eye. Let the issue out, identify it, and WORK on it. Self-improvement opens up avenues to better partners than you have had before.



• Catharsis. Most people who enter transitional relationships believe they are “over” their prior relationship or that a new relationship will propel them out of the past. The truth is the grief process of ending a long term relationship has not run its course. The end of a transitional relationship releases the last grip on grief, like a slap in the face, snaps a person out of a state of shock. This is a fierce cleansing of emotions. Let the angst flow and be rid of it.

Do not fear the transitional person or relationship. Pay attention, do your homework, and get on with life after a transitional relationship ends. It beats staying home on prom night…or in the locker room—you gotta get in the game…

"Come on, it'll be fun!" (Ruth Gordon as Maude, the definitive transitional person, Harold and Maude, Colin Higgins 1971)